To Dearest Mother

My darling Mother,

It has been almost two years since I left you, Mother. I am continually amazed at how much I miss you. I’ve wanted to pick up the phone so many times to share something that is going on in my life here. But I am hesitated to share with you. So many things touch me in deep places now and kon know it’s because of you, Mother. I find myself crying many times – at little things. A word my second russian mother talked to me as if I were her own son, a word on a TV show, a passage in a book, seeing children with their mothers on the road, or just because. Tears have always been hard for kon. You never taught me how to cry. You taught me how to withhold my feelings and be strong on the outside and inside.

Having a mother like you while growing up is the greatest gift and biggest advantage anyone could ever have given kon. It is because of the confidence and values that you instilled in me that made me who I am today. Mother, thank you for shaping me into a person who I like and am proud to be. Thank you letting kon believe that I could be whoever I wanted to be, do whatever I wanted to do, there were no limitations except my drive, ambition and creativity.

There are still some things I remember you teaching me or saying to me I will probably never agree with. I was angry sometime about them. There are other things in which I’m now able to see your wisdom, hindsight is so clear! For those I can now thank you. Through it all though, I know you are always doing your best for me and the rest of the family. You have lived your life based on a truth I do not yet know.I remember all the times you had to remind me to clean my room. I thought all mothers felt it their duty to constantly reinforce the chores they wanted to have repeatedly done. i had no idea that you were reminding me because you wanted me to be the ” Best ” that I could be ! Now, Mother I am grown. I appreciate the guidance and your deepest and purest love I have gotten from you. I can, with pride, say that ” I owe it all to you– Mother that care enough to share with me your very best” .

Having you in my life through out my infertility has been a literal life and sanity saver for me. If there was a text book on how to be the perfect mother to a son, it would have you as the role model.

Thank you for being such a wonderful mother when your own mother never held you, never told you she loved you. Thank you for being so wonderful when your own childhood was so hard, your mother was so hard. I am so sorry you never got to experience how wonderful it is to have a loving caring mother.

Thank you dearest mother, I love you, more than words can ever express.

Eng H. Leng

Letter From Moscow: Ber Kmen tevie Ter Oy Bong Snaeh Neak Na

MotherLand Cambodia, Place I Can Not Forget

Yesterday I, krishna and Leng met my friend who just came from Phnom Penh for his long vocation. He started his conversation with what a horrible mess our traffic system was and how bad the electricity supply was. His nose up in the air he went on rambling about all the political and economic chaos our country is going through. Then with a smug smile he continued with how wonderful everything is in Russia and America.
I felt stung with the negative remarks about Cambodia, my beloved country. However, I agreed with him and then simply said,

“I know all the problems are there but still it is my motherland and I love this land.”

Meeting him ( my friend ) that day and listening to his remarks about my motherland set me thinking about how deeply I love this land. I love my motherland just as I love my mother. If my mother is sick, if she is in trouble I will not leave her or turn my back on her. Now that my country has its hundreds of problems do I just vanish from the scene because it is in a bad shape? Will that be my way of thanking the country where I was born?

Te, that cannot be. For I love this soil, my motherland. This is the land that has given my birthrights. This land has given me my freedom to live as an individual. I breathe its air, I use its land, its water and I sleep under its star lit sky. It is this land that has given me honour and love. I was born free and enjoy my freedom within its boundaries. What else does a man need? Freedom, the greatest gift needed to live the life to its greatest height is given to me by this land !
I adore my villages and my towns. The serenity of the green villages as they roll one after another beneath the blue sky touches my soul. I feel a pang of affection for the poor people who live there. They may be poor but their poverty rouses in me the desire to help them.

When I was in my motherland I sometimes went for a walk alone. I saw the Mekong river flowing by. I sat on the bank and thought of the floods that would have them swelling and washing away the poor people’s lands. My heart cries for the loss the people will face. The towns of my country are beset with traffic jams, unplanned housing and poor drainage systems. The cities are over populated and have hundred other problems. And yet I will say that no place in the world feels homely as Phnom Penh does. The capital city reeling under its troubles has given my home. I feel the pain for my motherland just as I feel the pains my mother goes through. Mother, motherland and mother tongue, all seem to be bound to my heart through an invisible thread. When any one of them is well my heart sings amd feel relief but when any one of them is in pain my heart cries.
Love and honesty compliment each other. And I know my country is at the present riddled with problems. The prices of essentials are getting beyond the reach of the common man. There is the desperate need for transition to democracy. The frequent electricity failure makes life hazardous. The long queues of traffic makes one feel like growing wings and fly over it all. Speaking of problems we can go on adding to the list. Maybe the list of the good things done in this land will be shorter and yet does it all make me feel like leaving this country and migrate to a foreign land? No, never. If my motherland is in trouble I have to step in and try to help it, not run away. How can I? Is this not the very land where I was born, the land that has given me its soil to live?

I love my country from the sky above to the bottom of the riverbeds. I love the sky through all seasons. Summer adn raining seasons, I breathe freely under this infinite blue. My heart marvels at the sight of the seasonal flowers and fruits. Rainy days i stood in the pouring rain as if to mingle my spirit with the nature. The smell of the “Malis and Angkeaboth” flowers pierces through my heart and lights the eternal flame of love for this land. I know that soon the summer in october will come and I wish that the blue sky would find me sitting beside the lake staring for long hours at the “Lotus” flowers while they dance with the wind in a pond. I feel a close kinship to my land, to its soil when I am with nature. Every sunrise and sunset that I witness seems to fill my heart with glory, I feel as if I am in heavens just because I witness them in the sky of my motherland. My soul finds life anew and awakes with the sun rising in the horizon. At night a mesmerized me stares at the full moon with the countless stars in the cambodian sky. I am in heavens! I tell myself. How peacefully and how contentedly I can watch the beautiful sky. With all these aesthetic feelings comes a feeling of belongingness to this whole world just because I happen to be in my own motherland. This land is my love, it holds my destiny. I feel my very roots holding me to this land. It is like the umbilical cord that tied me to my mother before I was born.

My country has given me the gift of my mother tongue Khmer, the language through which I laugh and cry, the language that gives me the freedom to read, write out my heart and to speak all want i want to say. Especially, a phrase i once talked to a girl ” I love you. I want to give my faithful love to you. I want to care you. I am happy to see you live in happinese around my hands”. If I did not have a language to express my thoughts and emotions freely how suffocating life would have been! How dearly we have paid for our language and independence! Why did your language martyrs and our freedom fighters lay down their lives if I leave my country to live in another foreign land because it offers me more comforts and luxuries of life? Will I be doing justice to the millions who have given their blood for this country? If I want to live a worthy life will I not contribute a little to my nation? If each and every citizen contributed his or her part to the cause of nation building would we not be a stronger nation?

Socially, politically and economically we are challenged. And so the dire need of the hour is that we, each and every citizen stand in unity to help our country- Cambodia. Patriotism cannot be only dreamed about, it has to be there, in our actions. There are people who offer lip services, some who remain unmoved by the tears of their country and some who flee for their own benefits. The country, my beloved Cambodia needs its people, people who can come forward and help it overcome its hurdles. Can we not overcome obstacles that lay on the way of our nation’s prosperity? We have won our freedom with sheer strength of unity and surely we can win another war, the war of standing with our head up among the other nations of the world?
It is said that the deepest feelings often remain beyond words. Although I can go on about how I love my country. However, I feel that the exact feeling for the pang of love that clutches my heart for my country is beyond my words. To my friend the ease and comforts of America and Russia are more important. Of course he has all his rights to choose his happiness. But to me life comes on a different path, through the roots that binds me. I felt welcome and happy and yet I just could not leave my motherland and settle down there. My happiness in my small, poor country is greater. This happiness makes me feel like a bird that soars up in the infinity of the sky. And at times I feel like a proud hen. All my chicks are under my wings and I live, clucking on my own soil; my very own Cambodia. How happily I sing,
“ Romdoul Angkor” ! or ” Proud to be Cambodian ” !

Now even I am far away from my beloved country, yet my heart, my soul and my memoir is in Cambodia, where my family, relatives, friends and people are living with pride. I decided to leave my country for finding higher education because I love my country ! I want to help this small and poor country ! I never regret with my decision to left her this time. I will come back when I finish my higher education in this country ( Russia ) .

Letter From Phnom Penh: In Mathematics, One and One Are Two But In Love, One and One Are One

Phnom Penh, Kingdom Of Wonder (Cambodia)

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Dear dearest krishna,

My dearest darling ! What a wonderful beginning to a new month of November ! 30 days of separation between us has gone… There are more than ??? you are going to stay by my side in our beloved country– Cambodia. I’m waiting those days … ! How have you been, darling ? How is your life in Moscow ? How is your study ? There are a lot of questions I want to ask you, darling ! I miss you so much !
I absolutely understand why you can not write letters to share your deep love to me and express your idea about politics. How is your exam, darling ? Is the winter coming again ? Don’t forget dear krishna wear warm clothes everytime when you go outside, ok ? I’m so worried about you.

Darling, in this letter I’m going to share some idea with you about politics in our country. Even you don’t have enough time to read today, but I wish somedays when you will be online you will read the letter.

Below is the opinion about recent events happened in our beloved country–Cambodia, darling:

After arriving at Hua Hin Airport to attend the 15th Asean Summit, Prime Minister Samdach Techo Hun Sen told reporters that he would :
- Welcome former prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra to Cambodia,
- Deny extradition and
- Appoint him as his economic adviser.

What is behind the decisions of Samdach Prime Minsiter Hun Sen ?

Darling krishna, I support these decisions ! Some extremists are not happy with the stance of Prime Minister Hun Sen to made such decisions. But why they don’t try to find out the reasons behind the decisions of our prime minister ? If there was not the invasion of thai soldiers into the territory near Prasat Preah Vihear on July 15, 2008, would PM Hun Sen make these decisions ? PM Hun Sen could be considered as a poor-leadership prime minister in the eyes of thai extremists. But for us, khmer people and thai people, who love peace and harmony in both countries, consider Samdach Hun Sen as a great leader ! A respectful political leader in Asia, who always support and leads the country–our beloved Cambodia base on the Five Principles (Panch Shila):
- mutual respect for other nations’ territorial integrity and sovereignty;
- nonaggression;
- noninterference in internal affairs;
- equality and mutual benefit; and
- peaceful coexistence.

Well, darling as the matter of fact prime minister Hun Sen does not interfer Thai problems. He is right ! PM Hun Sen is standing on the right place at the right time. What our prime minister and our khmer people want is good relation as neighbouring country with Thailand and to finish the long tension along the border between the two countries. Prime minister Hun Sen just wanted to try to find resolutions to avoid blooding war between Cambodia and Thailand. Darling, the 3rd stance of Samdach Hun Sen, for my point of view, PM Hun Sen could consider between Thaksin, former prime minister and Abhisit Vejjajiva, new prime minister who got the power from a coup which has not done anything good for poor Thai at the border ( these are diferent from Thaksin’s time that people in both sides are good for exchanging their goods and made their living better), whom PM Hun Sen can work effectively with. If I were PM Hun Sen, I’d choose ( like PM Hun Sen) the one who has experience in politics better than….;b !

Ok, darling krishna! It’s their problems. Only Thais can solve their problems ! Thais are civilized people. They would understand the way they should choose to walk by themselves better than blaming other countries or attracting others to involve with its political chaos.

My dearest darling ! They are wrong to criticize Samdach Techo Hun Sen about what he answered to reporters at the 15th Asean Summit. They should blame their prime minister and a group of peple beside him for what they are incapable to restore national stability in their country. Thailand is the one that has sowed the seeds of conflict since they sent troop to invade Cambodia on July 15, 2008 and sparked the clashing to the deadly soldiers on both sides. Again, thai government has no good willing to solve the problems with Cambodia.

Why Samdach Techo Hun Sen need to play nationalism with Thailand ?

It is funny to ask such question, darling ! Prime Minister Hun Sen does not need to play nationalism in Cambodia to gain popularity. Cambodian Peoples’ Party won by a majority in every elections. Samdach Hun Sen won’t need more support by playing with Thailand. What he really wants is a mechanism to find resolutions to finish the tension along the border between Cambodia and Thailand cause by political chaos in Thailand.

Is the idea of ” Closing Border ” ( if happens ) makes by Thailand is a better choice to revenge prime minister Hun Sen for his resolution to finish the tension ?

Dearest darling krishna, as you already knew that since the opening officially Cambodian-Thai border in 1989, the policy ” Turn Battlefield into Market Place ” of Chatichai, former prime minister of Thailand, Thailand has gotten more advantages than our Cambodia, imbalance on cross border trade. If there is any idea of closing border propose by a clique of extremists, who will lose benefit? If i don’t confuse, Thailand. Let’s consider together, darling ! Who own the big hotels in Siem Reap, Angkor Wat and Casino along the border ? Thai businessmen again! Korean, Vietnamese and Chinese products are entering Cambodia. Where do Thai products go? Khmer has a proverb ” Think before Saying! “. So, some thai extremists please think again and again to find out what is your interests behind your proposal ! Don’t you believe that you would lost interests in Cambodia with the the idea of closing border?

Does the comparision of Thaksin to Suu Kyi is an insult to the millions of Burmese people who are suffering at the hands of the ruling junta ?

krishna, my beloved ! This is the quote from the speech of prime minister Samdach Techo Hun Sen at Hua Hin Airport to attend the 15th Asean: “Many people talk about Aung San Suu Kyi in Myanmar [Burma], why not talk about Thaksin?”

We all know, that Madame Aung San Suu Kyi is a great fighter for democracy. Not only people all over the world but also khmer people and prime minister Hun Sen respect Suu Kyi’s devotion for her country. PM Hun Sen has no intention to insult to the millions of Burmese people who are suffering at the hands of the ruling Junta. On the other hand, what prime minister Hun Sen wanted to say ( if I don’t confuse ) is that Madame Suu Kyi and Thaksin are famous political leaders, who got power by legal election but were ousted from power by millitary coups. So, in this case,Thaksin and Suu Kyi are the same ! Why they (extremists) don’t mention about it ! Some pessimists have tried to play nationalism by changing the right meaning of what PM Hun Sen said to serve its interests and ambition. It’s the kind of puring oil on fire.

One more accusation from The Nation, the cheapest thai newspaper in the world wrote:
You can take the man out of the jungle but you cannot take the jungle out of the man

It is the cheapest expression of the thai unpopular newspaper to criticize khmer leaders intents to burn nationalism in hearts of khmer and thai peoples. As an intellect ( the author of the article ) he should find out the Pros and Cons before writing such rude expression in his cheapest newspaper. And one thing I want to advise the author of the article in The Nation, the cheapest newspaper ( Darling, I can not help myself avoiding to use the word ” ADVISE ” even it is not polite ( According to our culture, it is not good to a younger to advise an older. At least we ought to pay our respect to olders). But for this old man ( The author of the article ), he is not suitable to get such kind of respect from me, a 19-year-old girl : Please do not try to teach fishes how to swim. They know more than you do !
I wished he’d be cleverer than this as a man lives in the civilized country–Thailand !

Dearest darling, I’m gonna finish my letter here. But before finishing I’d like to tell some extremists that : Cambodian people are watching the situation in Thailand and the relation between two countries. For my point of view, with no doubt that if there will be election in Thailand Thaksin will win becuse majority of Thai people are suporting him.

Ok, I finish my topic about politics here.

Darling krishna, I almost forget to reply to your sms last night. Do not be scared my love! Sometimes life hits you with unexpected things that take you totally by surprise. The life is always like a game. Anything could happen !
Ok, darling I stop my writing here by repeating a phrase of Mark Twain, one of my favourite authors:
* To get the full value of joy You must have someone to divide it with.

With love,

sikar tevie

Today I’m 21-Year-Old

” Happy Birthday” means much more than have a happy day. Within these words lie lots of things I never get to say. It means I love you first of all, Then thanks for all you do. It means you mean a lot to me, And that I’m proud of you. But most of all, I guess it means That I am thinking of Your happiness on this, your day, With pleasure and with love.

Here we are…..

What is on the nose….?

Оо….бедный старик

Today Tuesday, October 20th, 2009 twenty one years ago I was born to my mother, a woman I love the most!
This evening I recieved sms and calls from my beloved friends except my 4 sisters( Ms.Hour, Ms.Yan, Ms.Pich and Ms.Sophea ) and my best friends in Cambodia,Vietnam and England. I was waiting for their wishes…. But nothing I recieved.

Now I’m thinking what I did last year to them. All of my sisters I did not send any sms or email. And some of my best friends I also did not send to them my best wishes on their birthday.
So it’s enough to understand… !
Why I’m waiting for their sms ?

To finish this page, I just want to express my regret to those who did not recieve my best wishes on their birthday last year.

From now on I understand that it is so important to remember friends’ birthday. I have to remember all my best friends’ and sisters’ birthdays.

Now 2 A.M. October 21, 2009 in the morning of Wednesday….It’s too late to wait for…..

Anyway, I still believe that all my best friends still remember me as one of their best friends. …

Pongsavada Khmer ( The Root Of Khmer )

Pongsavada Khmer in English

All Khmers, please remember the root and history of our great country
Our boundary was wide and well known
Others always thought highly of our race
And always placed our race as the elders.

We have great heritage and culture
Which has spread far and wide in the Far East.
Religion, arts and education,
Music, philosophy and strategies are all that we have spread.

All Khmers, please remember our roots and history
Which speaks of the grandeur of our great race
Make up your mind and body and try hard to rebuild
In order to lift the value of our nation
To once again rise to the greatness that we once had.

Pongsavada Khmer en Francais

Tout Khmers, souvenez-vous s’il vous plaît de la racine et de l’histoire de notre grand pays
Notre limite était large et bien connue
D’autres pensaient toujours hautement à notre course
Et toujours placé notre course comme les anciens.

Nous avons le grand héritage et la culture
Qui s’est étendu lointain et large dans l’Extrême-Orient.
La religion, les arts et l’éducation,
La musique, la philosophie et les stratégies sont tout que nous nous sommes étendus.

Tout Khmers, souvenez-vous s’il vous plaît de nos racines et histoire
Qui parle de la grandeur de notre grande course
Décidez-vous et le corps et essayez durement de reconstruire
Pour soulever la valeur de notre nation
De nouveau monter à la grandeur que nous avions une fois .

Lyric by: 

 Samdech Sangha Raja Jhotañano Chuon Nath ( March 11,1883-September 25,1969)

                      The late Supreme Patriarch Kana Mahanikaya of Cambodia.

 

Letter From Phnom Penh: Everyone Calls Our Love Madness, But I Call It A Wonderful Love

Dear darlling,

This is a letter for you.

letter from phnom penh 003(Pls click here, darling. )

I’m waiting for your reply.

With love,

sikar tevie

Missing Has Never Been Finished !

Ooo My Cambodia ! My Mother ! My Father ! My Siblings ! My Relatives ! My Friends ! I really really miss you all ! How can I express my deep emotion how much I miss you ! How much I love you !

There are remain only two weeks I’m going to have my first examination. But tonight I’m sitting near the window and looking outside with the feeling of Missing, Missing, Missing to those who is far away in my homeland, Cambodia. Now it’s 2 a.m the sky is too dark. No sound was heard, except the one rain and wind. Nothing visible, except fogs around the campus where I live.

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Seeing people with their families makes me feel lonely from family, relatives, friends, my beloved parents and my country- Cambodia. I wonder when I can meet them again. How long I have to spend my life in Moscow to finish my higher education ? I am really moved and want to return to my homeland as soon as I can at the thought of these things. Seeing Russia’s scenery,makes me miss my homeland, homestead, my rice fields, my cows, my dogs and remembrance since my childhood in Kampong Cham province.

In this summer I went to visit the suburb of Moscow for the first time. It can be compared to Kampong Cham provincial town. The night was covered by shiny moon light, accompanied by glittering stars. It was quite cool. The moonlight here is not as nice as the one I used to have in Phnom Penh and in Ta Pao village where it's surrounded by rubber plants and green trees with the smell of Nakry and Romdul flowers around my house. The sound of barking dogs…These are unforgettable remembrances I used to have in my homeland. Ooooo my homeland, Cambodia! I miss you so much mother. I want to return to get a genuine picture of your lives and to share my contribution to Cambodia, the place I really love. I was born in Cambodia and am interested in serving the Khmer people from the bottom of my heart. My strength is nurtured by our beloved Cambodia and I am grateful to her. My hands, my physical strength and my intelligence must be used to help the country.

In the matter of fact, if someone asks me: Why do you want to return back to Cambodia? Don't you like Russia?- Frankly speak without involving with politics, from my heart I tell you that: I love Moscow. I love this country, where it was once called by US president Ronald Reagan " The kindom of Evil". I've started to know this feeling since the day I walked alone on a long quiet road, where I could see yellow leaves were falling down under the influence of the wind in Fall. This picture is similar to the imagination I used to had while I was in Cambodia. However,there is different between Cambodia and Russia. So, what’s the point of living here? It would be better to live in Cambodia than to live here as a foriegner. Moreover, I have to return home as I am eager to see my family; we have been separated for quite a long time. What’s the point of enjoying a lonely life, while my beloved mother is full of sorrow each day because she misses me? Without mental calm and being full of sorrow, how can I enjoy my life here? I would rather face physical difficulties than be worried. This seems to push me to decide to return home as soon as I can. It doesn’t matter what hardships I will face. I would be happy to suffer rather than be worried.

It's my commitement after finishing higher education in Moscow: I have to return to my country, no matter how poor and difficult my life will face. I'm satified to bring my little knowledge to help Khmer, to promote the national prestige and to help developing country with my potential khmer people. My hands which have been offered by Khmer must in turn help Khmer.

Eng H.Leng

Letter From Moscow: Amazing Love

Dear dearest tevie,

I just finished writing my letter. Let’s enjoy reading the letter below.

letter from moscow 003(Please click here, darling)

I forgot to answer your second question about the ” Political concept of Machiavelli”. I’m going to send to you in my next letter.

Don’t forget write to me soon. I’m waiting for your letter!
Take care, darling!

With my deepest love to you,

heng krishna

Everything I Do For Love